"SHARING"
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SHARE FROM Bill C.
TOPIC: What it was like, what happened, what it is like now...
hi all, my name is Bill
C., & i have been sober for 32 years. what it was like is a little
blurry these days as it was a while back. iwas not exactly a daily
drinker, i only drank on the days that i had
the money to drink. for me, to take a drink was to lose a job, so ihad a
lot of broke times, & not too many friends to enable my drinking.
that accounted for a lot of DTs & shaking, sweating & dying for
a drink, literally. i went through unbelievable personality changes when
i drank. sober, i was very withdrawn, shy, & afraid. drunk, i was
loud, center of attention syndrome, don't you know. i was extremely
violent, & was arrested over 200 times in my
drinking career, every time totally, insanely drunk. i blacked out
almost every time i drank, sometimes for days. my goal was oblivion, as
my reality sucked. i carried guns at times, living in Chicago, with my
lifestyle, it seemed neccessary. i endangered my wife,&
child, either driving or exposing them to the dangerous people, that i
chose to call friends. 1 time, i put a loaded shotgun to my wife's face
to scare her, & when i put it down it went off & blew a suitcase
apart. enough about that, you get the idea.
what happened was a very simple but profound experience that ibelieve
God provided for me. i came out of a blackout for a brief period of
time, to find myself on my hands & knees in the family apartment. i
looked up & saw my less than 3 yr old daughter. my wife yelled who's
there, & my kid very casually said, "it's just daddy
being sick again". i don't know for how much longer i drank, in a
blackout, but when i came to,i decided that i never wanted to be like
that ever again, or allow my children to ever see me in that condition
ever again. we have had 2 more children in sobriety. iknew of AA,
immidiately went there, with the burning desire to never
drink again. somehow, my passion for alcohol had been replaced with a
passion to not drink, "EVER AGAIN". i did not care, if i felt
better, did not intend to get good, holy, honest, or anything else. i
just did not want to drink ever again, & i haven't had to since that
day, as God had removed my obsession. i found out that in order
to stay sober i had to do certain things. i had the willingness to do
anything. i found honesty enough to do step 1 with 100% perfect honesty.
i have since found out, this is the only step that can be done to
perfection. i got a sponsor, came to believe in a Power greater than me,
that i was willing to belive, could restore me to
sanity, as my previous life was totally insane. i worked the steps with
my sponsor, went to meetings, & carried the message. apparently, i
did these things well enough. the best one can do is always good enough.
today i continue to practice the program, via steps 10, 11, & 12.
step ten keeps me honest on a daily basis, & allows me to make
immidiate amends to any person i have hurt in any way. it also allows me
to recognize the good things i have done, & whatever growth is
achieved. i still see today God removing character defects, though it
seems in bits & pieces. i think God only removes
from me, what i am ready to have removed & more importantly, what
iam willing to surrender, as God will not remove what self (I) is not
ready to give up yet.
step 11 is my favorite, & i feel the most overlooked. not the first
part, as we all pray. the meditation part seems to be tricky for a lot
of AAs even old timers. i pray for the knowledge of God's will for me
daily & the power to carry it out. i meditate twice daily, as this
is the way, God can commune with me. this can only happen when my mind
is quiet & free from thought, & i am in the
state of self forgetting. when you want something from God.....pray for
it. when you want a glimpse into the "Realm of Spirit"
meditate.
step 12 is part of what i am doing at the moment. i have
had a Spiritual awkening as the result of working the preceding 11
steps, with no shortcuts, & no skimping. i am not the same person
iwas so long ago. i have goodness within me, have attained a degree of
honesty, some say too honest, but that is their opinion. i have not hurt
anyone recently, & have not hurt me. i sleep at night with a clear
conscience, & not too much scares me today. life is good, not a bowl
of cherries, but a life undreamt of while i was drinking...... i hope
some of you are still awake, as i have bored myself to death...
